The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
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[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Every time.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
“We will wed,” I threatened
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
goldfish mafia
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.