My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
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Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.