Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
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Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out