GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
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*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Don’t snitch tag.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Very problematic
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster