When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
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[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.