The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
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I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Denise please return my vape pen
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
I mean…but I did
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
catch me on valentine’s day like
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
when there are deer in the woods
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.