In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
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Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
gentlemen, hear me out
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
I triple waxed for this?
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑