The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
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Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
I feel seen.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Eat…
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”