I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
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Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
wtf is a larm clock?
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.