SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
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Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
I only eat vegetarians.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds