Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
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Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.