Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
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Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *