My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
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I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
nyc:
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
“OMGJK” -atheists
White parent Vs Arab parents
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood