dude killed a sea lion with his bike
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[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
My typo game is string.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.