Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
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[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?