HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
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They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome