Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
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me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?