Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
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I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT