Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
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ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog