Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
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I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Well, that didn’t work.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.