me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
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Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Autocarrot sucks!
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-