Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
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[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?