“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
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Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.