In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
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The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
I’m not proud
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?