If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
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I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you