[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
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right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
ok like just. call me at this point
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?