[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
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ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.