I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
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“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
started wrapping my pills in cheese
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.