[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
You Might Also Like
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok