I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
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I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?