The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
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emergency phone
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
*orders delivery*