*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
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Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.