The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
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I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all