Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
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Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.