“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
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The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)