How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
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I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Encore…
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy