The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
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guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
courtroom exchange of the day
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault