Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
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“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18