“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
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The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
oh shit
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese