My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
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Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.