how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
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A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
I would move hell over six inches for you
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)