There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
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Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet