I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
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Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
cat faces on other animals, a thread
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
he was correct
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?