“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
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Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.