If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
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Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
A ghost story
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.