Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
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the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Me when someone tries to get to know me