An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
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If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.