call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
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[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again