Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
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Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up