Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
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angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.